As I hit 45 I began to question lots of things, what I do every day, what I want for my future.  I guess you could say it was/is a bit of a midlife crisis, but I wasn’t restless for the typical cliche crisis things, I was looking for something inside.  The problem was I didn’t know how to start going about scratching that internal itch.  I tried things I had done in the past and nothing seemed to stick. My inability to latch onto something only made the feeling worse–to the point where I felt helpless and like I was not in control of anything in my world.

I switched jobs hoping that would shake something loose, nope.  I tried going back to running like I did when I was younger but just found myself frustrated that my body wouldn’t let me do it like I used to.  As a final crazy step I threw myself into my kid’s activities and interests in the hopes that maybe I could live vicariously through them (Pro Tip: It’s a bad idea I see too many parents attempt).  At the end of it all I was still stuck in the same spot, struggling in quicksand, which was getting deeper with each passing day.

It wasn’t until I began my current project of self-discovery that I felt driven by a purpose larger than me, and maybe that’s the key to it all.  Doing something that is decidedly NOT for you alone.  Seems simple once you see it, but getting there can be an amazing challenge and if my dad had not passed away I am sure I may have never had the kick I needed to change everything.  Beginning this blog and working on my book are huge steps towards marching down a different path than the one I was on.  It may not be the easy (lazy) path but the work is a labor of love and simply getting to spend time every day working on it is it’s own reward.

They say a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step…This blog is my first step towards reclaiming  a deeper direction and purpose in my life. By sharing this journey with the world my goal is to help others in similar situations seek a life of deeper meaning.   I’m excited about the twists and turns down the road and l’m looking forward to sharing them with you, but before we move forward I need to share a bit about where I’ve been.

Here’s my story.

Over the past several years I found myself speaking more and more about the things I “used to do” and finding very little in my life that I was still doing.  I was living in the past tense. Sure, I was helping to raise my three kids, working and living a life, but I was sure I wasn’t living the best life I could and that I had somehow lost the plot in my own story.  I used every excuse in the book for why this happened; I’m too busy with work, the kids stuff comes first, I’m too tired, etc.  And as time went on the hole I was in got deeper and the list of things that went in the “used to do” pile got larger and the person I wanted to  be became ever more distant with each passing day.  My weight ballooned, my sleep suffered, my motivation for anything at all dried up and I just couldn’t find a way to take that first step. I was spiraling into a free fall and felt helpless to stop it.  Then on June 20th of this year my father died.

Since the moment of that phone call my life and perspective has changed in so many ways.  Over the next couple of blog entries I’m going to share what happened after that phone call and how it pushed me to action.

Stay tuned.